Akatsuki Fools
by dead drifter
Summary: Crack! April Fool’s Day fun with the Akatsuki! ALL of them! Rated for language.


**Akatsuki Fools**

**Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN. But DO WANT. **

**A/N: Argh, I know it's a day late, but it hopefully should still be funny! I hope! **

**SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Hidan and Kakuzu arc for Shippuuden supposedly starts April 3****rd****. WATCH IT. Though you may not be able to actually watch it until the 4****th****. Like me. :P**

**-akatsuki-fools-**

Victim # 1: Kakuzu

Kakuzu yawned and stretched, opening his bizarre eyes. Rays of sunlight streamed in through the blinds. Bird song met his ears. It was going to be a glorious Spring day. The old man climbed out of bed and stretched again, his ancient joints popping and creaking. He slipped on his slippers and shuffled over to the closet.

He threw it open, expecting to see his masked demons tucked away in their beds, but found only upturned baskets and a note. Kakuzu snatched up the offending piece of paper and quickly read it. His eyes bulged and the missing Falls nin dropped to his knees, letting out a wail of misery.

"What the fuck's your problem? Lost your lucky two dollar bill again?" Hidan asked.

Kakuzu thrust the paper in Hidan's face and started to shake.

"When I find them…I'm going to RIP their heads off…tear them limb from limb…pluck their hearts right out…"

"Holy shit, a ransom note! Fuck dude, what are you going to do? If you don't show up with money, they're going to kill your back rapists!"

"They're not rapists! They're just babies!" Kakuzu howled and leapt up to his feet. Hidan blinked in surprise as Kakuzu grabbed the note out of Hidan's hands and tromped off to snarl at the rest of the Akatsuki.

Hidan waited until he could hear loud voices down the stairs and collapsed into his bed, shaking with laughter.

"Oh, this is going to be fucking hilarious!" Hidan said to the empty room.

-oOo-

"Kakuzu, we don't have that kind of money. If you plan on getting your precious hearts back—"

"They're not just hearts! They're my babies!" Kakuzu insisted angrily, pounding his fist on the table. Pein sighed and took another sip of his coffee.

"You're going to have to use your own money."

"What about her?" Kakuzu asked, gesturing to Konan. The paper kunoichi narrowed her eyes.

"I don't do impressions," Konan said coldly.

"But…but I can't part with my moneys!"

"What about your Pot o Gold, un?" Deidara asked. He had a strange smile on his face, but then again, he always smiled like that. Kakuzu's eyes got rather shiny. Everyone else raised their eyebrows.

"That's…that's for my retirement!" Kakuzu cried, wiping tears out of his eyes. Konan patted Kakuzu's maskless back, muttering 'there there.'

"It seems you have a difficult choice to make. What will you choose, Kakuzu? The money, or your…uh…babies?"

Kakuzu looked down at his hands, shifting in his seat.

"Well…I CAN always get new hearts…and…and Deidara can make me new masks…"

"Un. I got casts of their faces. You can have a brand new Mr. Chiclets. You'll never know he's not the same one."

Kakuzu leapt to his feet and had his hand wrapped around Deidara's throat before anyone could figure out what the hell had happened.

"THERE IS NO REPLACEMENT FOR MR. CHICLETS!"

"Let go of Deidara, he was only trying to help," Sasori drawled, not even looking up from the random puppet arm he was smoothing with sandpaper.

"So? What are you going to do?"

Kakuzu let go of Deidara and sighed.

"I…I guess…I'll have to go meet them…with my moneys."

"Good. It's decided then. The kidnappers will be here in an hour. We'll stand out on the front lawn so they don't pass up the house."

-one hour later-

Kakuzu should have sensed that something was amiss when Kisame and Itachi left to go pick up some cigarettes for Konan. When they came back, Kakuzu nearly fell over when his four masked demons (or 'babies' as he liked to call them) hopped out of the back seat of the old Buick Century.

"What the…?" Kakuzu stammered, nearly dropping his briefcase full of money.

"Ha ha ha, we got you, fucker!" Hidan jeered, slapping his leg and doubling over with laughter. Kakuzu swung his briefcase as hard as he could at Hidan and the force of the blow knocked the priest's head clean off. It sailed in a graceful arc and landed in the neighbor's chimney.

"APRIL FOOL'S, OLD FUCK!" Hidan howled.

Victim # 2: Deidara

By lunch time, everyone was nervous, because for one thing, it was April Fool's Day, and for another, Deidara had fixed lunch. The bologna sandwiches looked appetizing, but clay could be lurking under that scrumptious Wonder bread. The dill pickles were left untouched because Kisame had found what looked suspiciously like a baby Venus fly trap floating in the pickle juice. And no one wanted to go near the Coke, which was fizzing alarmingly.

Deidara glowered at everyone as they shifted uncomfortably in their seats, their tummies grumbling. Finally, the blond spoke up.

"I didn't plant explosives in the food, un."

"He's right," Itachi said quietly, making everyone jump.

"Y-you sure?" Kisame asked uncertainly.

Itachi nodded. Kisame heaved a sigh of relief and dove into his sandwich. He took three bites, chewed, swallowed, and waited for impending…boom. Nothing happened.

"Oh, he's right! The food's not rigged!"

Everyone dug into their meal. Deidara gave Itachi a smirk before taking a bite out of his own sandwich. Itachi watched Deidara eat without even blinking his eyes. The blond swallowed the last of his lunch and sat back, staring at Itachi as he finished his own bologna and cheese. Sweat trickled down the side of Deidara's face.

"So, Itachi, how was it, un?" Deidara asked. Itachi patted his mouth with his napkin.

"The bread was a bit stale, the bologna was slimy and the cheese wasn't Kraft. But, overall, it wasn't bad."

"Un…" Deidara muttered.

Then, he doubled over and yelped in pain as his guts imploded.

"Aaargh, you bastard, you…you switched our plates, un!" Deidara hissed between groans.

"Yes. Foolish little girl, your joke has failed. April Fool's Day."

"Damn you, un."

Victim #3: Hidan

A little after lunch, everyone was crowded around the TV, watching, you guessed it, Itachi channel surf. Deidara left and came back with a blanket. Hidan rubbed his bare arms.

"Hey, it's fucking getting cold in here. Did you check the thermostat, Pretty Boy?" Hidan asked Deidara. The blond, who was still suffering from the effects of imploded guts, scoffed.

"No, I didn't. Why don't _you_ get off your fat ass and do it, un?"

"Psh. Fuck you!"

"I'm not dealing with your mouth or Itachi's channel surfing anymore. I'm going to go watch scrambled porn in Tobi's bedroom, un."

Deidara wrapped his blanket around him and crept up the stairs.

"Seriously, it's fucking freezing in here! Kakuzu, walk your arm on over there and raise the temperature up a few degrees!"

Kakuzu, who happened to be sitting in his La-Z-Boy mending Tobi's cloak narrowed his eyes at Hidan.

"My hands are busy at the moment. Just put a damned shirt on."

"Shirts are against my religion, fuck head!"

"Then freeze your tits off, dumb ass," Kakuzu growled.

"Fine!"

Pein kept his face buried in his newspaper, which hid the amused smile on his face. Konan coughed.

Itachi finally settled on a Sponge Bob marathon, which drove everyone but Kisame insane. After two hours of mind numbing torture, Hidan noticed that he could see everyone's breath, and leapt to his feet.

"Damn it, I swear to fucking Jashin, it's like living in an ice box!"

Kakuzu got up too, a fuzzy sweater in his hands.

"Here, put this on and shut the hell up already!" Kakuzu snarled, throwing the shirt at Hidan.

The priest caught it and rolled his eyes.

"I don't wear shirts, for the last fucking time!"

"If you don't put that damned shirt on, I'm going to have Mr. Chiclets dress you from now on. GOT IT?" Kakuzu threatened.

"You have that thing come near me, I'll sacrifice it to Jashin!"

Kakuzu sighed, walked up to Hidan, snatched up the sweater and forced it over his head.

"Argh, get off you fucking penguin!" Hidan snarled and ran away from Kakuzu with the sweater half way on, pinning his arms to his sides.

"Now I have to sacrifice eighty-seven virgins and fast for a fucking week, you inconsiderate asshole!"

The enraged priest stalked down the hallway and squinted at the thermostat. His jaw dropped when he realized that the heat wasn't even on. The air conditioning, however, was on such a low temperature that there were icicles hanging off of it.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!" Hidan roared.

"April Fool's Day, you pink eyed bastard," Kakuzu said with a chuckle.

Victim # 4: Tobi

While mostly everyone else was downstairs freezing their asses off and watching a Sponge Bob marathon, Deidara did in fact settle on Tobi's bed to watch scrambled porn. It was scrambled because Kakuzu refused to pay for it. So everyone who was straight, or at least pretending, had to settle for hazy glimpses of boobs and ass, and maybe catch a moan or a snippet of cheesy dialogue.

Deidara started to really get into it when he heard someone coming. He quickly changed the channel and fumbled with something under his blanket. Deidara heard Tobi talking to himself just on the other side of the bedroom door, and seeing an extra orange swirly mask on the nightstand, he got a sudden idea. The blond put the mask on just as Tobi burst into the room, a giant pink box in his gloved hands. Tobi started to say something, then stopped when he saw the mask peeking out of the blankets on his bed.

"Who are you?" Tobi asked, too stupid to notice the long blond hair.

"Tobi of course! Tobi is a bad boy!" Deidara said brightly, nearly biting his tongue to keep from uttering 'un.' The real Tobi cocked his head in confusion.

"No, _I'm_ Tobi. And Tobi is a good boy. Tobi isn't bad, Zetsu says so!"

"No, _I'm_ Tobi. Tobi is a bad boy, Tobi sprayed the neighbors with fertilizer and they grew grass beards, un!" Deidara said, accidentally uttering his cute little speech impediment. Tobi didn't appear to catch it.

"But Tobi said it was an accident and Zetsu thought it was funny! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" the orange masked idiot cried. Tears started to leak out of the hole in his mask and Deidara got to his feet and mimicked him.

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY! WAAAAH!" Tobi nearly screamed, bouncing up and down and throwing his box of Barbies on the floor. Naked plastic dolls with 'custom' hair dos spilled out onto the carpet as Tobi had his tantrum, Deidara copying every movement and cackling like mad.

"I'm your evil twin, Tobi the Bad Boy, un, and I'm going to follow you forever."

"Nooooo!" Tobi wailed and left, bawling his eyes out.

"April Fool's Day, un," Deidara said, though Tobi couldn't hear him.

Victim # 5: Sasori

Deidara put the Barbies back in the box and took it with him to his bedroom, which he shared with a certain puppet master. Sasori gave his usual greeting 'Hi, brat' and Deidara nodded his head. The blond set the box of dolls in the middle of the floor, pulled a match out of his pocket, struck it on his nail and tossed it into the box. Sasori's eyes widened, as he had a great fear for fire.

"What…the hell…are you doing?" Sasori asked, his brown eyes wide. Deidara smiled.

"It's getting cold, so I thought I'd warm up a little, un."

"NOT IN HERE, YOU IDIOT!" Sasori bawled.

"So…how are you today, danna, hm?" Deidara asked conversationally while warming his hands over his fire. Sasori's eye twitched.

"You're asking for it, Deidara," the puppet growled. Deidara snorted.

"What are you going to do, un? Turn me into a puppet? Spray me with Pledge?"

"Pledge is flammable you moron."

Deidara was about to respond when there was a knock on the door.

"Yes?" Sasori asked while shooting angry looks at Deidara, who put out his fire with a frown on his face.

"Uh, there's a letter here for you, from your grandma," Kisame's voice said through the door. Sasori's eyes widened.

"What?"

"Your grandma," Kisame repeated and slid an envelope under the door. Sasori walked over towards it but Deidara got to it first. He tore it open and unfolded the note inside.

"Deidara give it here!" Sasori said angrily. Deidara stuck his tongue out and began to read out loud.

"Dear Sori-chan," Deidara paused and laughed before continuing, "if you get this letter, that means I must be dea…"

"Dead?!" Sasori asked as he yanked the letter away from Deidara. The red head quickly read the rest of it and shook his head.

"She left everything to me. Everything."

"Oh, was she loaded?" Deidara asked brightly, hoping that maybe, as he was Sasori's partner, he'd get a little money himself.

"Not exactly…but damn. My great uncle added to the letter. Says the funeral…is tomorrow?! I haven't been to Suna in years, and I have to go there _tomorrow_?"

"Do you think it's a fake, un? Maybe it's a trap!"

"No. I know my grandmother's handwriting…" Sasori murmured and left the bedroom. Deidara followed after him.

"Danna? Are you okay, un?"

"I can't believe she's gone…" Sasori went on.

Deidara looked worried.

"S-Sasori no danna?"

"Dead…"

They reached the living room and everyone who was still there watching Sponge Bob turned to look except Pein, who was reading his Sea Sex magazine.

"So?" Kisame prompted, elbowing Pein in the ribs. Pein grunted for a moment but didn't look up from his porno.

"Leader, I have to go to a funeral tomorrow."

"That's nice," Pein mumbled into his magazine.

Sasori sighed heavily and started to trudge back upstairs. Deidara grabbed Sasori's arm.

"Sasori no danna, it's not true, un. April Fool's!"

The puppet stared for a moment, wide eyed, then his face contorted into rage.

"You…you…"

"Itachi forged the handwriting, un! And Konan dictated it, I swear I didn't do it! I just had the idea and…"

Sasori sprayed Deidara right in the face with a can of Pledge he'd gotten from Jashin knows where and the blond ran away, screaming about his eyes burning.

Victim # 6: Konan

A little while later, Konan was sitting in the kitchen, finishing a cigarette. She put it out on the clay ashtray Deidara'd gotten her for her birthday, and patted her pockets, looking for another pack. She found one and pulled out a fresh cancer stick, placing it in her mouth. When the bluenette tried to light it, she met resistance. It simply wouldn't light.

"Damn it, what's wrong with this thing?" Konan muttered.

After several more unsuccessful attempts, she gave up and put the un-lightable cigarette in the ashtray and pulled out another. She popped the new one into her mouth and flicked her lighter. Failed again.

Konan narrowed her eyes and then realized that the cigarette tasted like candy. She bit down on the stick and it broke.

"Son if a bitch!" Konan snarled.

After eating the entire pack of candy cigarettes, Konan stalked off to find Pein, the only one who could safely get close enough to switch her cigs in the first place. She found him in their bedroom, now pouring over a Play Doll mag and gave him a vicious paper cut bitch slap no jutsu.

"Ow!"

"You fucking asshole, don't you dare mess with my nicotine!"

"Ouch! April Fool's Day Konan!" Pein shouted, running out of the bedroom with his magazine over his head, a flock of kamikaze bees hot on his tail.

Victim # 7: Pein

Pein settled himself in the living room to finish reading his magazine. Sasori walked back down with the Kazekage's head in his hands. Pein watched Sasori disappear into the kitchen and heard him rummaging through the silverware drawer. Pein returned to his magazine. He turned it sideways and yawned. Sasori walked back by with a butter knife and a fork. The leader decided not to ask what Sasori could possibly need with them.

A moment later, Sasori came back down. He nodded to Pein and returned to the kitchen. When he emerged, the puppet had a wedge of chocolate cake on a plate and a chicken leg clamped in his teeth. Pein had never seen Sasori grab food before. The puppet climbed upstairs, chewing on the chicken. Pein could have sworn he could taste it, but dismissed it as hunger. Maybe it was about time for a snack.

Pein tucked his Play Doll under his arm and went into the kitchen. While poking around in the fridge, someone else came in. From the amount of bitching and cursing, he guessed it was Hidan.

"…_don't get blood on the carpeting_…it's like living with my fucking mother," Hidan grumbled.

Pein took out the rest of the chocolate cake and set it on the counter.

"Want some cake?" Pein asked while opening up a mysterious plastic container and sniffing its contents. He made a face and shoved the old leftovers farther back in the fridge.

"I CAN'T EAT! I'm fasting because of wearing that fucking sweater, geez!" Hidan snarled.

"Okay, okay. Don't bite my head off!"

Pein poured himself a glass of milk and snatched up a fork and started to eat the cake, not bothering to cut a piece. The leader leaned on the counter and took a swig of his milk. He burped. Hidan, who was sitting down at the kitchen table, rolled his eyes and commented on how much of a pig Leader was.

The kitchen door banged open and a silver haired priest walked in. Pein nodded his head to him, then glanced back to the Hidan sitting at the table. The second Hidan sat down next to him and flicked Pein off.

"Wha…Hidan, since when can you make clones?"

"Excuse me?" both Hidans said indignantly. Pein scratched his head.

"There are two of you there, Hidan. It's got to be a clone."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Hidan number one said.

"You're fucking delusional," Hidan number two said.

"Okay…?"

Pein shook his head and decided maybe he was hungrier than he thought. He sat down, trying to ignore the two Hidans and ate the entire cake. While finishing his milk, Kisame walked in.

"Hey, fish fuck," the two Hidans said in unison.

"Shut up, pink eye," Kisame said automatically and opened up the fridge to grab a can of Coke.

"Hey, Kisame," Pein said, "how many Hidans do you see?"

Kisame's little eyes widened.

"Is this a trick question, sir?"

"No, I am dead serious."

"Uh, one. Why?"

Pein sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Maybe I should get my eyesight che…" Pein trailed off as another Kisame entered, mimicking the first shark nin's movements. He opened his Coke, took a sip and raised the can as a greeting.

"When's dinner?" Kisame number two asked. Pein's Rinnegan eyes bulged. He turned to the Hidans.

"You don't see two Kisames?"

Both Hidans snorted.

"Fuck no."

"You're losing it, dude," the other one said.

Pein sighed and buried his head in his hands.

"I am losing it, aren't I?"

Konan stumbled in, a cloud of smoke trailing behind her. She had a cigarette clamped in her teeth and a tick going in her eye.

"Chocolate…" she murmured and pulled a bag of candy out of a cupboard. Konan frantically pulled a mini chocolate bar out, unwrapped it and popped it in her mouth, somehow managing to chew while her cigarette stuck to her lower lip.

"Konan! Thank God! I need your help!"

"Yeah?" Konan asked distractedly, eating another candy.

"Yeah. Do you see two Kisames and two Hidans?"

Konan folded her arms over her chest and laughed.

"Of course not! Pein…are you seeing double?"

"Uh…yeah, I guess I am. But it's not just seeing two! They…well first Hidan came in, then he walked in _again_. Then Kisame. _Twice_. It wasn't at once, you know?"

Konan was quiet for a while, smoking and nodding. Finally, she put her cigarette out and walked up to Pein. She patted him on the shoulder.

"I'm afraid that you may be losing your mind, Pein. Let's get you some help, okay?" Konan said in a tone one would use to explain the facts of life to a little kid. Pein shook his head.

"No, no I doubt it's that bad. I'm sure there's a reasonable explana…tion…oh God."

"Jashin, idiot."

Two Tobis bounced in, followed by two Kakuzus. When a second Konan trudged in, glaring at everyone, Pein dropped to his knees and flailed his arms out, looking up at the ceiling.

"Oh my God…I AM insane!"

Everyone started to laugh. Pein looked at them with tears brimming in his eyes.

"Pein," Konan said, "April Fool's!"

The Akatsuki leader stared around at everyone in disbelief.

"Then…then…are they all clones?"

"No…they're your other selves, nimrod. Transformed to look like us. You're a bit slow, aren't you?" Konan said with a laugh that turned into a cough. She really needed to kick the smoking habit.

Victim # 8: Zetsu

Zetsu stayed outside, as usual, since he wasn't house trained and last time he was allowed in the house, he sprayed the furniture. The plant man was busy tending to his beloved plants in his greenhouse, feeding them plant food and fertilizer and watering them. It may still be a bit cold outside, but inside the greenhouse, it was nice and warm.

The missing Grass nin took a jug of his special green fertilizer and decided to fertilize himself. He got into his giant terra cotta pot, stuck his feet deep into the nice warm dirt, and drank the whole jug. He had planned to go to sleep but all of a sudden he felt giddy. Zetsu started running in circles around the yard. He leapt over the privacy fence, humped the neighbor's Labrador, Charlie, then ran off as the neighbor attacked him with the garden hose.

Zetsu ran around the block a few hundred times, paused to mourn over a Christmas tree that had been abandoned on someone's front lawn, then returned to the Akatsuki house. He counted the blades of grass in the backyard and picked a fight with a robin. When the bird, victorious, flew away, Zetsu stopped to try to clear his head and figure out what was going on.

"_You put coffee grounds in the dirt again, didn't you?" _

"**No, I most certainly did not!"**

"_Then why do I feel so hyper?"_

"**Maybe it was that dog you ate earlier? That Chihuahua? It was pretty jittery."**

"_I don't think so. Maybe there was chocolate in the compost?"_

"**Itachi would never allow chocolate to be thrown out."**

While the two halves of Zetsu argued about what could be wrong, Tobi pranced out into the yard with a jump rope. He skipped up to Zetsu and hugged him.

"_Hello, Tobi."_

"**How's it going, runt?"**

"Tobi is scared, Tobi saw his twin twice today!"

"Oh?"

"Tobi is a good boy right? There is no bad Tobi, is there?"

"Does he really not know?" Zetsu asked himself. The plant man shrugged.

"Sh, Tobi is much nicer than that other one. If he's not aware of it, let him be."

"Huh?" Tobi asked.

"Nothing. I'm hyper, Tobi, and I don't know why."

"Yeah, I could almost jump rope with you."

"Oh, do you like your new fertilizer, Zu Zu? Tobi prepared it just for you!" Tobi said.

"What did you do?"

"Tobi used green Kool-Aid! April Fool's Day, Zetsu-san!"

"April…Fool's Day?"

Victim # 9: Itachi

Deidara had been fooled himself trying to get Itachi earlier, so while everyone was grumbling about what was for dinner, and who was going to cook, the missing Rock nin plotted. Finally, he just decided to do things the easy way. He walked up to Itachi, who was back to channel surfing, and poked him in the shoulder. Itachi glared up at Deidara.

"Guess what, un?"

"What?" Itachi droned, sounding disinterested.

"It's about uh…Sasuke-kun."

"Foolish little brother? What about him?" Itachi asked, perking up instantly. He stopped turning channels.

"He's dead, un. Some other kid killed him. A blond."

Itachi shut the TV off.

"Sasuke…killed…and by a blond…? Impossible."

"It's true, un. Look, they cremated him. All that's left of him is in this jar," Deidara explained, holding out an urn that, in fact, contained Konan's old dog Mutt.

Itachi took the urn and glared at it. He switched on his Mangekyou sharingan.

"Ah…foolish little brother, your hatred wasn't strong enough. Look at you now…a nick nack that will match my China tea set quite nicely."

"Un, so, uh, yeah. Enjoy."

Itachi nodded and set the urn between his legs. He started to pet the urn, talking to it. Deidara backed up, and then ran off, giggling like mad.

A little later, Konan discovered Itachi, who now had the urn dressed up. There were googly eyes glued to the front, some black Barbie hair stuck to the lid and a goofy smile drawn on with lipstick. The "Sasuke" also had a dark, high collared shirt on and ninja sandals stuck to the bottom. Konan looked outraged.

"Why the fuck did you steal Mutt and dress him up like a chicken?"

"Foolish little brother…you lack…"

"Hatred, I get it. What the hell are you doing? Argh, Kisame needs to keep a better eye on you. I swear, if you didn't look so good in black we would have gotten rid of you long ago."

Konan wrenched the urn out of Itachi's lap and stalked off with it, trying to pluck off the googly eyes without success. Deidara came back downstairs to laugh at Itachi, who either looked like he was about to scream in anger, or burst into tears.

"Ha ha ha, April Fool's Day, un!"

"WHAT? I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, BLONDIE!" OOC Itachi screamed and leapt over the couch and ran after Deidara, who fled in fear, utterly horrified by the OOC-ness. Screaming Itachi was perhaps the most terrifying thing known to ninja-kind.

Victim # 10: Kisame

At the end of the day, everyone was starving. Itachi failed in his attempts to get Deidara, as he ran into Hidan's sacrificial chamber and screamed 'Sanctuary' as loud as he could. So, Itachi plopped down on the couch and glared at the TV screen. Kisame was there, getting tips from Kakuzu about his knitting.

"Anyone feel up to cooking?" Pein asked. Everyone looked at Konan, who glared.

"I'm not cooking. Last time I did, you guys said it tasted like charcoal briquettes. Go microwave some chicken nuggets if you're all so hungry."

Konan's stomach growled loudly.

"Ugh."

"Tobi wants pancakes!"

"I don't want breakfast for dinner, un!"

"What about ordering a pizza?"

"We don't have money for that, and our Pizza Hut coupons expired," Kakuzu said. Everyone groaned.

"Hey…I know what we can have for dinner," Itachi said. Everyone froze.

"If you say Sasuke, I'm going to commit you to a half way house right now," Konan said.

"No. Sasuke is too foolish to be edible. I suggest we eat fish tonight."

Kisame's eyes widened.

"Fish? But we don't have any fish."

"Yes, we do," Itachi answered slowly, his red eyes raking over the shark nin's body in an alarmingly predatory way.

"Itachi-san?"

"True, the meat might be a bit tough, but we could use that giant meat tenderizer of yours," Itachi said, pointing at the Samehada at Kisame's back.

"This…this is not a meat tenderizer! It's Samehada, and it slices, it doesn't…wha…why…?" Kisame blathered on in disbelief. But everyone started to stare at the shark nin with equally hungry faces. Hidan wiped the drool from his mouth, forgetting that he was supposed to be fasting.

Itachi got up and walked into the kitchen. Everyone else followed. Kakuzu wrapped his threads around Kisame and dragged him towards it. Kisame struggled.

"NOOOO! I DON'T WANNA BE DINNER!"

"You should have seen this coming," Kakuzu growled.

When they entered the kitchen, Itachi set a gigantic cauldron-sized pot on the stove. He lit all four burners and grabbed a wooden spoon. He pointed it at Kisame.

"Get in the pot, Kisame."

"Are you all serious? You know Itachi's a bit off, I can't believe you're so hungry you'd listen to him!"

"Kisame, do what he says, un, get in the pot!" Deidara said happily, grabbing a bunch of seasonings from the cupboard. He started shaking salt and pepper on Kisame. The shark nin squinted his eyes shut.

"Stop that!"

"Use some dill. That goes with fish, right?" Kakuzu asked. Deidara found the dry dill and added a pinch in Kisame's hair.

"I'm not really a shark, damn it! If you eat me, that's cannibalism!"

"Don't try to weasel your way out of it," Sasori said. Everyone paused and looked at Itachi, but he didn't appear to have heard the weasel comment. He was busy adding onions and carrots to the pot.

"_In_, Kisame."

"NOOO! OH PLEASE, PLEASE, I DON'T WANT TO BE EATEN!" Kisame sobbed. Everyone exchanged a look, then burst into laughter.

"APRIL FOOL'S!"


End file.
